One of the best ways to get attention is to disagree. You and I live in an over-communicated society with millions of other bloggers, and I’ve found that disagreeing works very well in getting noticed.

Of course, I don’t mean that we should go around disagreeing with everybody for the sake of attention. That’s being an attention-seeker, and it’s undesirable.

But disagreements for the ultimate purpose of adding value to people not only gets you their attention, you can win them over as well. By the end of this article, you will learn how to win friends and influence people through disagreements.

A Word Before I Get Started…

I recently made a guest post at John Chow’s blog about Why Ideas Matter More Than You Think, and the part that got the most people talking was the statement, “Don’t apologize when people disagree with you.”

The whole idea behind this is to guard against changing opinions too much too quickly to be acceptable by others, because the blogger risk getting seen as double-minded and unsure of himself. By learning to be firm and confident with his ideas, the blogger attracts like-minded supporters.

But there’s the danger of taking this to the extreme, where the person becomes too stubborn with his own ideas. He is absolutely not open to feedback, and he fails to learn anything because his ego stands in his way. Others will start viewing the person as being arrogant and proud.

The key here is to strike a balance. You are neither weak-minded, nor are you overly hardheaded. You are right in the middle – self-assured yet open to feedback. You are an understanding person – accepting of people yet not necessarily agreeing with their opinions.

Disagreements then become great opportunities for you to gain friendships from readers and fellow bloggers. There are two different scenerios where this can happen. I’ll also share a true story to illustrate this.

Scenerio #1: When you are the blogger and a reader disgrees with you

Armen Shirvanian had made a splendid guest post here at John Chow’s blog Behind Blogging Glory is Consistent Production. It was well thought out and well written. The only thing is, I disagreed with that. I replied a strong comment saying that the true success behind bloggers lies in being a consistent person and not consistent posting.

I didn’t know who he is, but something got my attention. Armen had responded by thanking everyone, not as in a general thank you, but in a specific way that was related to my opinion. I then cheekily wrote another comment about his writing style, and he responded again by thanking me for the feedback.

His openness and humility led me to become more open to him as well. I reread his post more carefully, as opposed to scanning when I read it for the first time, and realized some parts did make sense to me after all.

Then I visited his blog and contacted him to say hi. I was genuinely impressed by his friendly reply and after a few short exchanges over email, we became friends.

Armen had successfully used a disagreement to gain a friend and influence me with his ideas by his response to my comment. He showed us that the manner you respond can win a disagreeing person to you. Here’s what we can learn from him.

• Thank the person for taking precious time to comment.
• Stay humble and open to the feedback. You don’t have to agree with it, but you should at least try to understand the other person’s point of view.
• If it made sense to you or helped you see things from a different perspective, give credit to the person.
• Show maturity and professionalism in your replies.
• Overall, stay cool and friendly!

Just to add from my experience, we should also determine whether the comment is genuine or not. Some people just disagree for the sake of disagreeing. It’s not worth responding to such comments. But still, we can stay friendly.

In a heated exchange, when you repel fire with fire, you get more fire. But repel fire with water, the heat dissipates, and you may even win a new friend.

Scenerio #2: When you are the reader and you disagree with the blogger

I believe one reason why Armen took notice of my comment out of 46 others is because it was so direct. It began with “I disagree.” I didn’t do it on purpose, but it did catch his attention.

I experienced it myself. Most comments I get is positive praise for what I wrote, but when a negative disagreeing comment comes, it sticks out like an ugly duckling. It’s hard to shake it off my mind.

If there is something the blogger wrote that you hold a different opinion to, grab the opportunity to voice it out. Here’s what you can do.

• If there are parts of the article that you have found beneficial, first thank the blogger for those parts. Then…
• Point out what you disagree and why.
• Explain your point of view.
• Give examples to support your claim.
• Be respectful and avoid personal attacks.
• Overall, focus on adding value to the conversation.

The objective is to add value to the conversation by giving a different point of view. It’s just like a team-meeting at work. In the teams I’ve been involved where people are open and quick to point out their different points of view, I find that the whole discussion becomes more fruitful.

By disagreeing and stating your point of view that adds value to the discussion at the blog, you get the double benefit of the blogger noticing you and appreciating your input. This opens the way for you to win his or her friendship.

And that was what happened for me. I did not just disagree with Armen, but I expressed my point of view and supported my claims with examples. Armen took notice, appreciated my input and treated my comments seriously. By his feedback, I could see that he had been influenced by my ideas as much as his ideas had influenced me. Eventually, we gained each other’s friendship.

On the other hand, disagreeing for the sole purpose of grabbing attention is an absolute no-no. Some people simply disagree without explaining or giving their own point of view. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not worth it for the blogger to respond and will most likely ignore people who disagree for the selfish purpose of attention.

If It Becomes Personal…

I find that most people are nice and will respect your opinion even if it differs from theirs, especially if you are a nice and respectful person yourself.

But what happens if it becomes personal? This means the person is no longer disagreeing with your opinions, but he crosses the line and attacks you as a person, saying things like “You are a cheat and a liar”.

Here’s where it is no longer wise to try to win over people who are already antagonistic towards you. It’s also out of scope for his article. But I just want to point you to a recent article by Yaro who has experienced them personally. He gives an excellent explanation why personal attacks happen and how to respond to them in way that benefits you.

What I do want to say is that in this Attention Age, if people are talking about you, even if it’s not favorable, it’s ultimately a good thing for you because you are getting the hardest thing to get in this over-communicated society – Attention.

A Final Word…

If you think about it, we are all trying to achieve the same goal in blogging – to add value to our readers. We may disagree with our ideas and opinions on how to achieve that. But if we keep our eyes focused on the ultimate common goal and open ourselves to other points of view, disagreements can become a great way to gaining friends and influencing people.

So, what do you agree with? What do you disagree with? Shoot your opinions. I’m ready.